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Archive for May 23rd, 2006
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Daily Dribble
If I piss Mr. Tunde off, will he stop sending me this email every day?
Date:22nd May,”06
From: Mr.Fowler Tunde
General Manager,
Risk and Audit Department.
United Bank for Africa Plc.
E-mail:fowltunde@gawab.comDear Friend,
First I must solicit your confidence in this letter to you (SORRY, MR. TUNDE….), this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret (DOES POSTING IT ON MY BLOG COUNT AS KEEPING IT TOP SECRET?). Though I know that a proposal letter of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive (NO!! NOT AT ALL!) and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. (THANKS, I FEEL BETTER NOW.) I decided to contact you due to the urgency needed, as I have been reliably awared (AWARED IS A WORD? AND WHO MADE YOU AWARED? MY MOTHER??) of your discreetness and ability in transaction of this nature.
Let me start by introducing myself properly to you. I am Mr. Fowler Tunde (AND I KNOW THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!!) the General Manager, Risk and Audit Department of the United Bank For Africa Plc,. I came to know you in my Private Search for a Reliable and Reputable Person to handle this Confidential Transaction (I CAN’T TELL ANYONE??), which involves the transfer of Huge sum (OH BOY! BIG MONEY! AND I BET YOU WANT TO SHARE IT WITH LUCKY ME!) of Money to a Foreign Account requiring Maximum Confidence. (I WON’T TELL A SOUL. OOPS….)
THE PROPOSITION:
A Foreigner, an Germany, Late Engr. Shinister Wolfgang , an Oil and Contractor Merchant with the Federal Government of Nigeria, until his death years back in Kenya Air Bus (A310-300) Flight KQ431 (SO SAD! WHERE CAN I SEND FLOWERS?), has a deposit with us at United Bank For Africa Plc, and had a closing balance as at the end of September, 2005 worth US$35,000, 000.00 (Thirty Five Million United State Dollars) (WOW!), the bank now expects a next of kin as beneficiary. Valuable efforts are being made to the German embassy here by the management of United Bank For Africa to get in touch with any of the Wolfgang ’s family or relatives but to no success. (BUMMER.)It is because of the perceived possibility of not being able to locate any of Late Engr. Shinister Wolfgang ‘ s next of kin (He had no wife or children that is know to us). The Management under the influence of our Chairman and Members of the Board of Directors, that arrange has been made for the fund to be declared “Unclaimed” and subsequently be donated to the trust fund for arms and ammunition to further enhance the course of War in Africa and the World in General. (TERRIBLE! I SEE YOUR DILEMMA, MR. TUNDE. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE–YOU MUST STEAL IT TO SAVE THE WORLD!!) In order to avert this negative development, I now seek your permission to have you stand as next of kin to Late Engr. Shinister Wolfgang so that the fund US$35Million will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary’s next of kin. (YAY! I’M, LIKE, ADOPTED!!) All documents and proves to enable you get his fund will be carefully worked out. (LIKE, IF I GIVE YOU MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER? YOU WOULDN’T WANT THAT FOR SOME NEFARIOUS PURPOSE, WOULD YOU, MR. TUNDE?) We have secure from the probate an order of madamus (IS THIS ANOTHER MADE-UP WORD LIKE AWARED?) to locate any of deceased beneficiaries, and more so we are assuring you that this business is 100% Risk Free involvement. (RISK-FREE!!!) Your share stays while the rest be for myself for investment purpose. (I BET YOU WANT TO HELP POOR CHILDREN.)
As soon as I receive an acknowledgement of receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business proposal, i will furnish you with the necessary modalities and disbursement ratio to suite (YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SPELL, MR. TUNDE…. MAYBE YOU CAN HIRE A TUTOR WITH YOUR SHARE?) both parties with out any conflict. While replying furnish me with the following information of yours below:
Your Full Name
Your Full address
Your private fax and phone numbers for easy communication.
Your occupation(I’LL DO THIS RIGHT AWAY……)
If there is more delay in moving this money out, this money will be pushed to the Treasury of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. I am willing to share this money with you in the ratio of 25% - 75%. You shall have 25% of the funds and I shall share the rest with my partner at the bank.
I hope this is a fair sharing? (YOU ARE SO SWEET, MR. TUNDE!) If this proposal is acceptable by you the reply me through my private e-mail address: fowltunde@gawab.com and Please do not make undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you. (I WOULD NEVER!!! OOPS……..)
Best regards,
From: Mr.Fowler Tunde
General Manager,
Risk and Audit Department.
United Bank for Africa Plc.
E-mail:fowltunde@gawab.com
